"Above all else, guard your heart. For everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23, NIV.
It seems like my blog topic should be on moving or internship or something related to psychology, since the last month has been all about internship applications (actually, the last 10 months have been about internship applications) and I'm finally DONE. But it's not. This is another topic that's been on my heart a lot lately, and something that I've been asking God to teach me more about. But first, I need to lay a foundation...
Most of you know that I took some time off of school and moved to Redding, California, where I lived from August 2010 to January 2012. I really feel that the move, and that time away from school, was a sabbatical. I had been feeling like I was putting so much energy and time into school, academics, achievement, etc, that I had been neglecting my spiritual growth. After much prayer and counsel from wise friends, I felt that God was telling me that the next year would be a time to focus on Him and grow spiritually. I chose Redding because it is the home of Bethel Church, which is, by far, the best church in the world (okay, so I may be slightly biased; but only slightly). I got so much freedom out of that year, and worked through so many issues. The biggest thing I learned is identity. Really, learned is not the appropriate word. I feel like I had a revelation of identity. God showed me just a little glimpse of who I am--who he created me to be--and how he feels about me. That completely changed how I look at myself, and changing how I look at myself changed everything else.
One of the avenues that this revelation took place through was a seminar at Bethel called Single Life Workshop (SLW). SLW was started by Barry & Lori Byrne, who have ran the marriage ministry, Love After Marriage (LAM), at Bethel for years. They wanted to give singles the tools that have saved hundreds of marriages across the world (they travel for LAM and are now travelling for SLW; you should check it out at www.singlelifeworkshop.org.) I made some great friends in SLW; it is one of the best experiences I have ever had. Before SLW, I really wasn't sure that healthy relationships existed. And if they did, I wasn't sure that I had anything to offer. After SLW, I know that I have a LOT to offer and that God has someone out there who is going to be SO worth the wait! Anyway, I digress. The whole point of this paragraph (AND the one before it!) is that I've been thinking about the idea of guarding your heart this week, and wrestling with what that means, and it's reminded me a lot of some things that I learned in SLW, at Bethel, in Redding.
So... on to my topic. Psychodynamic therapists (ones who really like Freud!) talk a lot about defense mechanisms, or defenses--things/behaviors that defend someone emotionally/psychologically. Common defenses are denial (I don't have a problem), projection (I'm not the one with the problem, you are), humor (it's not a problem, it's a joke!), and intellectualization (let me tell you all about the problem as if its not problematic and it's not happening to me). Those are really simplified explanations, and there are a lot of other defenses (google them if you want). The point is that defenses protect you from feelings like fear, pain, sadness, etc. The problem is that being too defended can also result in an inability to connect emotionally with others.
Thanks to facebook, I've noticed that there are a lot of people out there who either avoid relationships (either altogether or just emotionally by making it all about sex) or go from "in a relationship" to "engaged" to "single" to "engaged" to "it's complicated" back to "single" and back to "engaged" (side note: what relationship isn't complicated? seriously, it's two people-that's complicated! Sometimes I'm complicated all by myself!). Really, I can't keep up with whether people are getting married or hate each other. And as a therapist, and a Christian, that made me wonder what it is about relationships that make people so crazy! My first thought was that people are too defended. But my second thought was that people are not defended enough. I mean, look at all of the people who either get into horrible relationships in the first place, or return to them time and time again. Then I started asking God for the connection between the two.
First he reminded me of Proverbs 4:23: "Above all else, guard your heart. For everything you do flows from it" (NIV). At first that didn't help, because 'guard your heart' kind of sounds like 'defend your heart.' But as I thought about it, realized that guarding something and defending something are completely different things. If you are defending something, you are ready to fight. It puts you at odds with anyone or anything that you come in contact with. Guarding something may involve defending it, but only if necessary. A good guard knows who to let in and who to keep out. Imagine a guard at the White House. The guard knows who to let in and who to keep out. They also know which rooms which people are allowed in. A good guard knows that the president can go wherever he wants, that his family's living quarters are relatively private, and the common visitor (like me) stays outside the fence. At the same time, he doesn't just shoot everyone who walks by; he is, however, ready to use force if it becomes necessary. Likewise, guarding your heart involves knowing who to let in just as much as who to keep out. It involves having good boundaries, and it involves good communication with the person in charge. Being a good guard also means making sure people are who they say they are before letting them in--there are a lot of people who use disguises! When guarding your heart, you need to allow enough time to make sure people are genuinely trustworthy before you let them in. The guard has a pretty complicated job--much more complicated than just "defending" something.
If you have a history of not guarding your heart well (either too strictly or not enough), I urge you to look at what's stopping from you. There are a lot of great resources on learning how to be a good guard. Just like if you were learning to guard the white house, you need good training. Again, I highly recommend SLW. There's also a great blog on stages of relationships that you can find here. Therapy may be helpful, or maybe just wise counsel from friends. Wherever you choose to seek help, the important thing is to seek it.
I'll have more posts on food, faith, and/or Freud coming soon. Let me know if there's a topic you'd like to read soon!
